Life in the fast lane

The cat's not pooping. Call the vet. Call work: Going to miss a meeting, no choice. Leave the cat at the vet. Back to work, another fun-filled day. Check the courthouse Web site to see if I do, in fact, have to report for jury duty the next day (and rearrange the schedule and ask people to come in on their weekends). Thankfully, a six-month reprieve. Home at one in the morning. Try to read; fall asleep. Next day, try to read before lunch, no clean clothes; no clean dishes. Head to work. Waiting for the call from the vet to pick up the cat. Sit through meeting, getting close to 5, no call. so I call. Can I pick up the cat? Didn't we call you, they say? Nope, I say. Leave work, pick up the cat. She's a little smelly, they tell me. No kidding, I say. You might want to give her a bath. Ha, ha, I think. You give her a bath.

Step on the scale: Another four pounds, in the wrong direction. Starting to look like the people who shop at WinCo. Who am I kidding? I'm shopping at WinCo. Gas hits $3.99 a gallon. Need to take a picture for the blog. Which blog? Try to exercise: A dance/pilates DVD. How do they do that with their butts? I can't even look at that. Ten pages due for school. Gotta work. Finish reading the book. And another one. Write clever papers. Go to work. Give the cat a pill. Really? Trip to the pet store. Pill plunger, no-water shampoo and new-age odor absorbing crystals. Late for work. A lollapalooza of a day which requires the big boss to "help." Extra work needed for the following day, ten hours, no break, no breathing.

Next day, the pill plunger works. Go to work: Oops, extra work wasn't needed after all. Sorry. Meeting with the big big boss, no layoffs, yet. Keep doing more with less. The people in my department appeal: I can't do this in this amount of time. What if such-and-such happens? They ask as if I have the answers.

A day off. Time to do school work! Cook breakfast, forget about it, apartment fills with smoke. Cat hides. Need more sleep; no time. The FedEx man brings me my new fat clothes. And an extra box with things I didn't order. A call: Can you take it to UPS? I say, where's UPS? If I'd kept my mouth shut, would I have a new pair of polarized sunglasses right now? How much is left in my bank account? Give the cat her pill; she's caught on. Yowls and runs away; I am evil, the enemy. Pill is stuck in her fur. For some reason I am trembling.

Cat's still not pooping. Call the vet. Trip to the drug store. Stickers in a Ford F-250's window: PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals, and Blow Me. People with lawn chairs line the streets for a parade -- will I get home on time to miss the traffic? A question at the pharmacy window: No eye contact; I don't exist. I think, I should try that at work. Make my purchase: Mineral oil for the cat, a bottle of Bacardi for me.