Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Traffic school

It's time for my stop on the spectacular Holiday Blog Tour. Thanks, Kristy Harding, for the great intro and Q & A! I had intended a traditional short-short story but as often happens it took on another form while I was writing it. Here's Traffic School:



This comprehensive test includes essay, short answer, true and false, and multiple choice questions. Do not seek help from your neighbor. Please pick up your pencils.

      1. You live in an average middle America town. You are driving to work in the morning. You stop at the end of your driveway. Do you:

A.     Turn left and go directly to work as planned
B.     Hesitate
C.     Turn right and abandon your life as you know it
D.     Turn on the radio and listen to NPR, proceeding to work as planned
E.      Turn on the radio and listen to Rush, proceeding to work as planned

       2. Who made your smart phone? No, I mean who.

       3. If you drive through the fast-food restaurant for bad coffee and an instantly gratifying yet calorie-laden and greasy breakfast, how much closer are you to a hardened artery, really?

 4. What if you don’t get the hashbrowns?
 

NEW SECTION: HISTORY

1.      At what point in time did it become acceptable to eat food from restaurants that are attached to gas stations? At what point did it become acceptable to eat food made from the same product that makes gas? Did anyone object?

2.      There are no petroleum products in the hashbrowns.
a.       True
b.      False


NEW SECTION: MATH

1.      How many needles are on the Christmas trees in the discount store parking lot? (Hint: The number declines hourly.)


NEW SECTION: DEMOGRAPHICS

                  1. What percentage of Christmas trees will be decorated with white lights? Non-white? Other?


NEW SECTION: GEOGRAPHY

1.      What road are you on? How do you know? If the strip mall to your right is identical to the strip mall in Canton, Ohio, and the fast food restaurant to your left is identical to the one in Marshfield, Wisconsin, then how do you know you’re really where you are?

Now I ask you again: What road are you on?


NEW SECTION: ECONOMICS
  
                  1. If someone takes several days off of work to stand in line for a Black Friday sale that will save them less money than they would have made at their jobs during the time they stand in line, does that make sense?

                   2. Do you have enough stuff?


NEW SECTION: FORENSIC SCIENCE
                  
                  1. As you’re driving down your unknown road, view the house and property to your left. If you dug up the backyard, what are the chances you would find human remains? (Hint: Try under the garden shed.)


NEW SECTION: PHYSICS
  
                 1. The county sees fit to spend millions of dollars to install a roundabout where previously there had been a problematic intersection. Over time they see a reduction in accidents, yet the number of curse words and flipped birds has increased exponentially. What is the difference in psychic negativity?


NEW SECTION: POLITICS

               1. It has been said that Midwesterners are nice. Yet once inside the insulated anonymity of their cars, they leave the Midwest and enter the embassy of Fuckudonia. Please explain how vehicles become hostile nation-states.


NEW SECTION: MATH

                1. If a man driving a Ford F-150 tailgates you for twelve minutes, passes you and cuts you off, what are the chances he will fail to see the utility truck installing city Christmas decorations over the road? If he hits the truck, what are the chances that the utility worker will be thrown to safety in a snowbank, yet one of the glitter angels will plunge through the driver’s windshield and impale his cold, cold heart? 
 

NEW SECTION: ETHICS

                         1. Would it be justice, tragedy or irony for a fallen angel to kill the driver? Explain.

               2. What if you found a body in his backyard?


NEW SECTION: ASTRONOMY

1.      If a three-mile-wide asteroid passes by Earth mostly unnoticed, does it make an impact?


NEW SECTION: PHILOSOPHY

1.      Do you know where you’re going?

2.      Are we going there together?




Thank you for reading. Tomorrow, please visit the awesome blog of Sujeiry Gonzales, who has been called the "Latina Carrie Bradshaw". She plans on sharing a list of her favorite lessons learned from relationships featured in her book, Love Trips: A Collection of Relationship Stumbles. Also be sure to check out her relationship advice on her blog Ask Sujeiry and on the site Being Latino.

4 comments:

Jon said...

If you take a somewhat surreal yet frighteningly honest multiple choice, true/false test and have no idea where you've just been but loved every step, are you in

1. Purple Houses
2. Heaven

Is there a difference?
1. No
2. Not at all

Nita said...

Love!!!

Regina said...

Brilliant, Nikki. Thank you for making this statement so eloquently and beautifully. It's inspiring.

Sam Poet said...

"Do you have enough stuff?" I love how this is both an anti-christmas exploration and at the same time a glimpse into the spirit of the season as well. Nice work.